Wednesday, November 2, 2022

The Penis Edition

     Man it's been a week. A better week. But a busy week. Today there were weird cancers crawling out of the woodwork. So much so that when I exploded around one my partner Melody said I'll do tumor board tomorrow (I was about to send a very inappropriate text to a very kind oncologist. Melody saved me. Again.) Let's trade, you do December 1st, I'll do tomorrow. OK. I acquiesced. It's so nice to be supported.

    Tommy in mycology has a son who is a first year in med school. He worked hard, tried for a few years, scribed in the ER after college, and now he's a freshman at UAMS. Tommy could not be prouder. I let his son shadow me a couple of months ago before he started. He's a gem. He wants to do family practice - the martyrs of medicine. He truly cares. Tommy followed me out of huddle the other day to talk. He said that his son was anxious but performing well - they were already being subjected to patient simulations.

    Gad, I said. They didn't start those until my junior year they are brand new students! It's a different world. My son is doing ok, he said, but something weird happened in cadaver lab. They asked the students to cut off the shaft of a penis. None of the boys raised their hand, but some of the girls did. I LOL'd. I'd totally volunteer for that. But we didn't do that in cadaver lab, or autopsy, or ever what is the new deal? I mean, I'm sure the corpus cavernosum and the corpus spongiosum would be satisfying to squeeze between scissors, so squishy (Lorena would know love her) but what is the point? More foot forward anatomical dissection? Gotta see the vessels and the urethra?

    When I was in cadaver lab there was no looking or dissecting of any GU or GYN parts. External ones anyway. Except this one lady, her head was appropriately covered, who had a clitoris the size of a small penis we all rotated around and looked at it in awe. Gender is truly fluid. No body is alike, and no anatomy is wrong.

    Our patient simulations started junior year, not Freshman. They were new and so fing stressful. I remember back then I had such a bad unilateral sweating problem I researched lots of crazy deodorants many with minerals and once my ex accidentally used mine and was in excruciating pain all day. It didn't hurt me, but it staved my public embarrassment. 

    We had to do a male GU exam on a fake patient actor and ask all the right questions while being recorded and do a penile exam. My silk tank was soaked through at the end, but I got a good grade thank god. One of my friends Melissa was almost crying at the end of hers - we all met at the end in the lobby to commiserate. She forgot to put gloves on, and did the penile exam without them. She's a SAHM mom now, but aimed to be peds. She thought she had ruined her career. It was honestly hilarious.

    I got a penis this week. This is a very rare specimen in pathology, and usually is involved by squamous cell carcinoma. This one wasn't. Poor guy was on end stage renal dialysis and had calcified atherosclerosis and distal necrosis. I struggled with the path - I can count on one hand the number of penises I've had in my career. Had to pull out the old Histology for pathologists and I was right on the mark. 

    Called Bob to ask him a question about it yesterday. He's at lunch, Laurie said. Well, tell him it's not urgent but I have to ask him about his penis specimen. So you want me to tell you to ask Bob to call you about his penis? LOL. Yes. Sorry, I couldn't resist, she said. Bob is one of the last men in the gross room, I'm cultivating a female atmosphere. He tells people that he works with a lot of beautiful women. That must be amazing, his friends say. Um, no. I'm daily subjected to some crazy ass smack. But I think he still loves us. Happy hump day. Much love, Elizabeth.


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