Thursday, October 20, 2022

Happy Friday Eve!

     I'm not sure I remember what I wrote last weekend, it was kind of stream of consciousness. Last week was one of the hardest weeks of my life. The Monday, not this week, but the one before, was tough. Tuesday I was a shell of myself, even Melody noticed. I was on cytology, and I had a testicular tumor that wasn't grossed right. After I called and asked some more senior levels to assist fixing the mistake, I realized I shouldn't even have gotten a testicular tumor in the first place and when Jessica asked me if she could give it to someone else, she apologized for the error, I burst into tears on the phone. 

    The guilt of handing it off eclipsed my state of hollowness. But she convinced me to give it to Shaver and I felt so bad when he asked me yesterday, rather guiltily, to cover for him for a couple of hours (three bronchs, one in the SICU, and I was covering call morning frozens) I was like why do you think this is a big ask? You do so much for me. Let me help you. He was grateful. As am I. We may be a little dysfunctional but we are a democratic work family and that supersedes an autocracy.

    Tonight at Three Fold at dinner with Jack and S we talked about Effie and Mike coming for Thanksgiving - Mike cleared it with his family that I was ok to come - Bill had a hard time but he's gone. And even though he couldn't be in the same room with me since I divorced Mike I'm still sad. Sometimes you work with people on their cylinders. Not everyone can work on all cylinders. And it's ok. It's their path in life, not mine, so I honored it. Especially bc it caused conflict with the family. I don't want to be a source of conflict, even though it's not my battle.

    I'm off Tuesday through the weekend next week. S's architecture convention is in Bentonville. We are staying at the Embassy Suites, and I'm excited to be close enough to Cecelia to be able to support her and spend time with her. Need to book a massage too. It's been too long. God this has been a hard Fall. Literally and figuratively. But Lisa taught me, and Paula reinforces, that we will not be handed anything we cannot handle. So my Pollyanna state is a little bit intact.

    Kewen texted me and Amanda today - she is off next week too and wants to have dinner. I stalled the re-opening of the book club bc C has been so fragile I feel like I am on call for her more than for any frozen section. We plan Ocean's next Monday night. K said she would pick me up - my night vision and driving is giving me near panic attacks. More guilt, but I supported her through her cancer and she is now supporting me through my troubles with my kiddo so tit for tat. It all works out. 

    Feeling a little more emotionally stable so that's good, especially since work is fucking crazy. I bumped into Whit Goodwin, rad and avid Trump supporter, in the dr lounge this week. We commiserated over our governing bodies and their lack of care for our well being. Giving us ridiculous things to do with our time to make money for them. I told him it's the same everywhere. Academics, oil companies, etc. We need to brace ourselves bc no party is serving the people the way they should. Mid terms, schmid terms. We can only do the best we can. Despite the fact that we are working twice as hard as we did ten years ago for the same compensation (we shared charts and documents to support it) we are still there for patient care.

    I've got BHEC committee in the morning at 7am. Skipped CARTI tumor board this morning bc they didn't give me anything to present and what's the point? Might change my mind in a few months but for now, grace and ease. That's what Paula preaches and I agree. Still. Mindfulness. Hoping C gets that memo, I've certainly preached it to her many times over the last two months. I'm so proud of her, she's rock climbing and mountain biking and transitioning into a better person. Transition is not always easy. Happy almost Friday on one of the second longest weeks of my life (last week was terrible). Much love, Elizabeth.

    

    

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