Thursday, April 7, 2022

No Time for Tears

     I wandered into the bronch lab at around 11:45 a.m. today. Van is on today, and while all the other cytotechs text standby to alert me there is a procedure starting and ready when it's time for me to do a wet read Van always texts Come on down, bc the bronch lab is in the basement (near the dr. lounge so always an opportunity to grab snacks and drinks after). It happened so much this week I started imagining myself on The Price is Right, which I loved as a kid - walking the hospital halls with celebratory music blaring and announcers congratulating me on my good luck to be a contestant. I was escaping, I know. It was another helluva shitty week. Body fluids deluge. When it rains make hay.

    Van has a tendency to be a bit of a cowboy and so when I told Cidney it's all necrosis, get cultures, rare atypical cells possible degenerative (he was trying to stage a lung mass by the hilar nodes) he looked really frustrated. Are you going to to try for the mass? I wondered, bc he was already out of the nodes. The patient was intubated, so couldn't hear anything. This isn't always the case, but for some reason he was reaching up lazily with his arms and legs and Cidney and the nurses kept trying to gently restrain him. Cidney, who is usually cool and collected, cussed with his body and grabbed another needle attached to tubing and tore the sterile wrapping off and threw it on the ground. Yes! I'm going to go for the lung. All the assistants were still and tense.

    It's not just you, I said. The last two weeks have been crazy. There is something in the ether. I almost cried Monday, I was so overwhelmed, and I'm not a crier! Not about work anyway, or divorce, or the big things. Then I told myself I had no time to cry, I had to go on. He was smiling and laughing and the room relaxed. I told him I was going to go to the dr. lounge for desperately needed water but feel free to call me back for the mass - Lord knows I need the exercise and I like to get out from behind my scope especially during weeks like these. I texted Van twenty minutes later to see where he was and he said Cidney just did an FNA and put it in formalin. Thank goodness. I was hangry.

    Lately - two or three months maybe - lunch has been very comfort oriented. Fruit and honey and peanut butter - baked lays for a texture fix. Banana is my go to - but any hint of brown or green repels me they have to be perfectly ripe so sometimes I do strawberries or honeydew. There is this one doc who piles up on fruit every morning - I grab to put in the fridge for lunch. He swears the Baptist dr. lounge has the best fruit on the planet I have to agree. 

    When I learned that Halsey added WalMart Amp to her schedule this week and tickets went on sale Friday I started hunting for a driver (interstates still make me a little panicky) totally willing to pay for tickets and Embassy Suites. I was also willing to pay $2400 for two days off but luckily I was able to move some things around. Christie has her younger sons high school graduation from Catholic and Cecelia will be headed to Spain on May 23 for the summer on her scholarship. Laurie is seeing Jack White in Tulsa. Jessica doesn't know Halsey and will already be short Laurie. Stephan doesn't get much vacation and said to use him as a last minute resort. I texted Kim and Mary Grace. 

    Mary Grace is starting a new job (she was unceremoniously and misogynisticly fired from Falcon Jet after schooling a younger colleague). She is the most badass female pilot/engineer on the planet and I hated that a wimpy white male fucked her over but things happen for a reason and maybe this job will be less abusive and allow her to attend more of her superstar daughter's volleyball games. Kim said her daughter Liv (She's Cecelia's age), who idolizes Halsey would want to go and with Christy's help (crappy computer issues - Baptist has new terrible firewalls and the internet in the basement sucks and I hate trying to do this shit on my phone I need to start bringing my laptop) we secured three tickets. Kim, Christy's other BFF, is vacationing at a lake in HS and has been listening to Halsey all day. I told her I just booked a two room double bed suite at Embassy Suites and cannot wait to go. She's going to drive us in my new Jeep.

    Turns out I do cry sometimes - I temporarily lost my shit when I got home and discovered on Instagram that Ketanji was confirmed. And movies and words and music can stir me to tears - Jack laughs sometimes when it happens on even Merlin. They are both good - I'm excited he is going up to see her on Sunday and they are going to Rainbow Kitten Surprise together. I'm hosting my Sunday school class with a few extra invites this Saturday for a potluck brunch and that will be a balm. Call again next week but hopefully weekend will refresh me. Happy Friday Eve, much love, Elizabeth

No comments: