Friday, April 30, 2021

Colonoscopy

     So I've taken all 20 of you this far on my journey it seems a little rude not to finish. Christy arrived at 5:45 am in the pouring rain yesterday and got me to the drop off location at 6:14, one minute shy of go time. Then I did one of the most regretful things I have ever done in my life. I peed in the waiting room bathroom. They called  me back (first! The waiting room was full) took my history and started the IV - apparently it was a blood bath but I didn't look so I didn't pass out. It took two people to clean it up and Christy worried post procedure that I might have a bleed - I assured her I didn't - it was still all over my chuck. 

    While the nurses were changing the sheets I was in the bathroom for the first or second time I cannot remember I had completely forgotten I had to, as a female under 55, take a pregnancy test and I was so dehydrated a full bag of saline failed to produce any urine. I thought about getting some water from the faucet at one point and trying to pass it off as pee. Christy asked if I ran the faucet to help unfortunately it was heat operated and I was too far away. Honestly the trying to pee part was worse than the colon prep. In between unsuccessful attempts when I alternately conjured images of waterfalls and privately railed against what Republican body made this rule what if I was? Pregnant? I've had an IUD for 15 years the likelihood is less that .01%. And were they worried about going up the wrong hole? Maybe the anesthesia would be bad. But at this point in my life, if I found out I was preggo, I would be none too happy and if something happened it would keep me from pursuing further action, so it would be a favor.

    At one point I lay in the bed and a cute nurse came in and said I have lots of pee if you need some and I really could have paid anyone in the facility lots of money for pee at that point. Another nurse who gave me her daughter's contact info - she's applying to med school and I said I'd love to give her a tour of my world - said we only need two or three drops. But I was a desert. I closed my eyes and watched the clock and heard at least a dozen other people get their IV's started and their history and they provided urine instantly (if they were female - curse the men that got to skip that step) and were wheeled back ahead of me. But I was here first, I thought. It's so unfair.

    I literally provided two drops (Eureka!) and it was so little the nurse with the short hair and pretty orange eye makeup Miranda was making fun of my cup and I said but I only need two drops! This, finally, an hour and a half after I arrived. I woke up at 7:40 today and looked at the clock and thought yesterday, at this time, I was trying so hard to pee. Thank god that's over. Someone came to inform me what I already knew, that I was not pregnant, and that was my golden ticket to be wheeled back to the procedure room. 

    When I woke up I thought I was in my house, but it was recovery. I was super loopy. I waved over a GI doc who used to round at Baptist - Hey Terence Angtuaco! I'm a pathologist at Baptist. He looked over confused and asked with Maria Porter? and Rob Shaver? I said yeah that's my group nice to see you! He politely chit chatted. Then I told the nurse I wanted to see my slides. I knew the path went somewhere else but I wanted to get them. He said there are pics on the report and I said yeah I know but I need to see the glass. Gotta see the glass. Christy was dying laughing. 

    She wheeled me away in her BMW and we watched the first episode and a half of Pose (highly recommend) and she asked me to volunteer with her at Lucie's Place (dying to). I liked it so much I asked S to watch it with me again last night after a hair appointment and a three hour nap and finally a full plate of nachos. Christy had a bunch of Delicious Temptations bite sqaded in the am but my appetite didn't hit me until 8pm. What a crazy two days. Hope not to have to do that for a while. Happy Friday! Much love, Elizabeth

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