Friday, December 11, 2020

Panic Attacks

     Yousef teaches me that there are some people that are reactive and there are some people that are proactive. Reactive people like to please everyone but when you try to please everyone you end up pleasing no one you just accommodate the latest person that talked to you and if you don't follow through you can't build trust. This is poignant - I can apply it to my own circle.

    Rex Bell once told me that when people in our department want change they are loud about it. But not you. You make change sneakily. You are insidious. Yousef says that I'm not insidious, I just don't need the credit, and I realize that if I want change it is better to create the impression that others are responsible because then they can own it. Big egos need credit, some people don't need the credit they realize that the change is more important. I think that is the biggest compliment I have ever received, but I still don't own it. 

    I hate this time of year because you are driving to work in the dark and you are coming home in the dark. I think it overwhelmed me after this crazy call week because after I was getting on the on ramp and reflecting over the fact that frozen ENT guy was starting a laryngectomy at 5:30 pm and probably didn't need me but might I started to do this thing (Yousef calls it dissociation - I call it panic attack) where I was freaking out about the rain and the night and my body was tingling and I realized I could not handle the interstate. I pulled off onto John Barrow and went left across the bridge and BRIDGE OMG I was going 20 miles an hour in the left lane. Was silently apologizing to all the people passing me in the right lane I could not EVEN I was looking for a place to pull over should have put my hazards on. Finally pulled over in Burlington parking lot and called my husband he and my daughter rescued me and my car from my imminent panic attack (second one this year it always happens while driving) and Christy talked me through it.

    Funny because on my way to my first appointment with Yousef in three weeks I was driving way over the speed limit on the interstate listening to Lithium at full blast. He said he was proud of me for expressing my anger (I tend to stuff emotions and took this praise like one from a parent I was so pleased). I was red and angry for over two hours raging at inequity and hurt and pain. I would have been embarrassed by the color that keeps me from talking publicly and exercising in public and general introversion but somehow he doesn't make me feel ashamed by it I talked through it and became un-red. 

    I've got to work in the morning but my cytotech Tony told me it was looking light fingers crossed Hal got brutalized last weekend. Bestie Laurie on call with me made it home ok I made her text me projecting my own stuff. We've plans to get a Christmas tree up tomorrow afternoon and I signed up for that blasted Boulevard Christmas cocktail class at 6:30 again on call hoping the one in Jan finds me better rested. I was joking with Tina - my head transcriptionist - that it seems like every other house is just too Christmas or not at all. She was sharing a pic of her husband's pic (It looks like Charlie Brown but at least he did it himself) of a tree and we were laughing and loving. She said her neighborhood is the same it needs to even out.

    I'd better wind down with music S and kids do a much better job than me I was venting about work stuff tonight and I'm wired as hell. Hope you are all more relaxed. Much love, E

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