Saturday, December 19, 2020

Object Permanence

     One of my first memories from childhood was having an existential crisis. I was four or five maybe, and I was in the kitchen my parents were so excited my dad had been interviewed he was going to be on the news they both were my mom had been with him. I probably expressed this dread as one of those adorable things adults think kids say like, "If you are going to be in the TV then how will you be here to take care of me and Sara" but believe me I was dead serious. I thought my parents had to physically disappear and I wasn't sure they would make their way back to me from that small box did they shrink them to get them there? What if they didn't come back to normal size things needed to be done around here like cooking and driving to work and school. I couldn't handle all that myself yet I was just learning to read for God's sake. My relief was palpable when they were not in fact aired on the 5 o'clock story or six they weren't on until 10 pm I was long asleep by then and they were there when I woke up in the morning so it was a non-issue by then and I could go back to worrying about normal kid things and not abandonment. They of course do not remember this. Just like I don't remember things my kids bring up and say MOM HOW COULD YOU FORGET?

    I was so fascinated by the idea of object permanence when I first learned about it in college. My advisor Tim Maxwell was young and he brought his son in to demonstrate it - the first time the kid didn't look for the hidden object but a few months later he was crying and grasping when Dr. Maxwell hid the toy. Talk about hands on learning. I of course was well  beyond that stage at 4 or 5 but not having any concept of recording or airing or how all that worked threw me into outer orbit.

    I had another minor existential crisis this morning when at 5 am I tried to get out of bed and could not. Luckily I had peed in the middle of the night because my lower back was like nope. I waited until 6:30 to ask my husband to get me a Coke Zero and an Ibuprofen (or three). While he went back to sleep (I'd been in bed since 5:30 pm so none for me) I stared at the negative space between the branches of the tree outside my window and conjured images and wondered if I would eventually need a bedpan. I did not anticipate this being a part of my life for at least thirty more years. He woke at 7:30 and still could not get me out of bed so I called my ex. My first muscle relaxer, Flexaril, and steroids are in my future and I promised chiropractor ASAP and did some stretches in bed my husband smartly suggested and triumphantly arose a little after 8. Whew! Bedpan averted.

    We got this gift on our porch yesterday - I think it was for the former owners but I don't know them and it was a bag of pretzels I didn't think it was worth tracking them down but it was this kind I have been putting in Stephan's lunch for about a month Dot's Homestyle they are everywhere Fresh Market and Kroger. I decided to have a gluten fest and try them - it's the original seasoning have not yet tried the Southwest - with a couple of nice thick slices of cheddar cheese for lunch and OMG they are amazing. S said they are even better than Nacho Flavored Doritos and that's a lot from him those are his fave. Something about the texture too as well as the flavor they are perfect. I won't be doing that again today because as soon as I was  back on two feet I spent some time in the bathroom in between cooking breakfast and I was thinking between my GI stuff and my back and the fact I've been wearing the same outfit for the third day in a row I am becoming that person they say needs to be put out to pasture. 

    I'm going to spend all day on the couch watching TV but a shower must happen at some point. And given the fact that I'm taking a steroid and I haven't done that in four years I'm hoping to sleep as good as I did last night. Jupiter is moving into Aquarius today it changes once a year. That's significant because Jupiter is the biggest planet and has the magical quality of expanding everything it touches. There's a bunch more I signed up for Astro Butterfly's weekly e-mail after I read about the Age of Aquarius the other day. If you think I'm silly for being fascinated by all this you can blame my mom she read me my horoscope every day until I was a teenager. It was so fun. Happy Saturday - much love, E

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