Thursday, April 23, 2020

WHEW

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. In a good way, but it's been a 24 hours. I have obviously turned this into my childhood diary over the years, processing things through writing, as I have done throughout my life in some way, shape or form.


After I blogged yesterday Negative Elizabeth came back in a huff. I drove to my friend Christy's and got the name of her therapist. After dinner during the family Zoom meaning I melted on the back porch in tears of despair and went to bed. When I woke up I played two albums, back to back. Calmed down. Okay, so here's what I think happened. I thought I was already through the rebirth thing. I warned myself that life and death are very close to each other on the Wheel of Life and you cannot always tell which is which. But psychological death still hit me like a ton of bricks.


The two albums I played - I google confirmed today what I already knew - were the albums I used to self comfort at a very traumatic time in my life. So I needed to stay calm. Things were going to be ok.


Then I opened the New York Times, which I haven't read in a few days. The first article I read was sounding familiar. Yesterday in the BHEC conference I proclaimed the New York Times had gone crazy and read a couple of the article names aloud, we were all laughing. But I hadn't read anything until this morning. I read and enjoyed a few more articles and my husband had to pick me up from a balled hug to myself off the couch this morning and remind me to shower.


This day has been hell. I've never had so many bug issues in my life. The computer services person told me that was normal, after a storm. And as I have snuck in a few more reads of NYTimes today I am alternating, between the hugging and the hitting. Still pretty new. But also I'm awed. Because these people are so smart and I don't deserve any of this, let alone this much.


After enjoying the beef lasagna from the Olive Garden, and the breadstick, I asked what was for dessert. There were social distance servers with gloves on. I chose the flavor Sock It To Me, a new name to me for lemon cake, because that was pretty much how my day was going.


Remember that parking lot rectangle thing I proudly boasted of avoiding once? Last year sometime it landed right on the top of my head. It smarted quite a bit. I had to sit down on the curb for a minute. I was glad to learn that I was so hard-headed. Like someone else I know. I took Advil - had to ask around cause I hardly ever use it. Today has felt like that so far.


The light at the end of the tunnel was opening up the Times at 5 am. I still have no idea how it is happening, and at one point between copious needles I became scared it was going to go away and tried to subscribe to it, learning that I was already a member. But now I'm finally breathing, and I have time, and I will go home and maybe it will still be there for me to read some more and learn about new formats and figure out what the Hell to do with it. I'm skipping my workout today - going straight to the oral fixation. I think I deserve it. Much love, E

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