Sunday, April 19, 2020

Instant Gratification

I figured out yesterday that I'm toddler age. I'm not super religious but my parents have delved into many different religions and I realize that when you have a rebirth, you go through another age process. I'm kind of excited because it means I still have a long way to go, more things to learn.

Did I tell you I'm writing to music lately? Wow. I've never done that before.
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So today I was on the back porch reading that book and it suddenly started to spit rain. I was disappointed, but when I went into my bedroom to read, I thought, OH. This is good. I closed the door, turned the lights down low, and indulged myself by looking at a photo on the back cover. I continued to read.

BIG. FAST. HARD. That's how I would describe this book, and what happened next. When it was over I tried to read even more but my eyes did this swimmy thing and I couldn't focus on the words and I decided that must be what is passing for sleep for me, these days. I got up to change for yoga.

I don't think I've told you about Matt yet. He's easy on the eyes, which is nice. Elizabeth cubed took him out to dinner a few years ago, to get to know him better. He's got a long time partner - they are not married - he lives downtown in a cool district. It surprised me to learn how self-conscious he was - how he hated to have his picture taken. How he wasn't on social media. How much devoted he is to their cat. Beauty comes in a lot of different packages, and it often doesn't accompany self esteem.

My kids are back today! I made their favorite meal - a meatball recipe my mom shared during my divorce. I altered it a little, but it's a hit. They invite their friends to have it. C brings it to school with pimento for lunch and she tells me she shares it with her friends and they say it is the best thing they have ever tasted. My ex's wife Rachel, who I love, is a great cook, and I often compare myself to her. Worry that I am not enough. But we all bring different things to the table, and that is ok.

So during yoga I imagined all the free time I will have over the next few days and what I can do with them, with my books. Dress up. Dress down. Add imaging, maybe a little music. Learn new things. It's a pandemic after all. It may take some time to get out in the world.

I finished Ozark season 3 WOW. Another BIG. FAST. HARD. I started watching How to Fix a Drug Scandal tonight, based on the recommendations of my brothers, and I'm geeking out. I never knew heroin and cocaine looked so pretty under the scope. It made me grateful, watching the first episode, that we such have good people at our hospital - doing good practice and quality control. Music time. Much love, E

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