Thursday, February 2, 2017

Rummi Bears and Tampons

Dinner with big time Girlfriend. After catching up on all the personal stuff, we moved on to more important things.

GF: We were going on a three day road trip. We weren't driving. I prepared with gummy bears - Rum and Vodka infused Vanilla.

Me: Wait. What? I have no idea what you are talking about.

GF: Well, you soak the gummy bears in alcohol. At room temperature. No longer than three days, or it will congeal into a large gummy mess - that works, but it isn't pretty. You have to get the good kind, the Hasbro.

Me: Yes, I know, we are gummy bear snobs. So you soak them? Or infuse them? I'm confused.

GF: You just soak them. But I like the idea of infusing. Could that be C or (her son) J's next science fair project? Soaking vs. infusing gummy bears with alcohol. How do you propose we measure that, besides weight?

Me: Maybe you could measure the blood alcohol content after a certain number of gummy bears, see which method makes it higher. Not sure that is a middle school/early high school project though.

GF: Of course you have heard of the vodka-infused tampons.

Me: No. You are joking.

GF: I'm not! I thought everyone had heard of them, until you. It's great - you've got no alcohol breath, you just insert and voila. I understand it's very vascular down there. After your first buzz, you just pull it out and replace another one. Of course I've never tried it, but it's out there. Lots of people are doing it.

Me: Unbelievable. You are putting me on. Wouldn't I have heard about this in medical school?

GF: No, it's just come out in the last few years. You don't have to settle for just one. You can do three or four at a time, especially if you use slender regular.

Me: What if you don't have the right, um, orifice?

GF: I hear it works just as well if you put it in the back door.

Me: No freaking way.  You are insane. Can I drive you to your car? We need to do this more often, I miss you.

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