Sunday, January 29, 2017

Narrow Misses, Part 6?

I listened to Sinead O'Conner's first album over and over senior year of high school. I had a friend ask me who that bald chic was I was listening too - it was before she went mainstream. I loved Mandinka, and Nothing Compares 2 U. But my favorite song was Last Day of Our Acquaintance - loved the arc of the song, how it started slow and ended in crescendo. Those lyrics. Little did I know it would serve me well 20 years later when I was getting divorced.

That same friend years later marveled when a singer I recommended to her, Alanis Morissette, blew up a few months after I introduced the music to her. "You always seem to know who is going to get big, before they get big. How do you do that?" There's plenty of stuff I liked that never got big, was my response.

Me and Kallie (different friend) used to spend summers after high school riding around in my Jeep, often clad in little more than bikini tops and cutoff jean shorts. By this time Sinead O'Conner was big, and Nothing Compares 2 U was played ad nauseum on the radio station. We penned an alternate version, which we sang at the top of our lungs whenever it came on. I'm thinking of it because when I was at the grocery store today (alt title box of food with cheezy 90's hits pumped into the background) I heard Nothing Compares 2 U for the first time in a while. I guess it's not on Spotify b/c it was written by Prince - I checked on the way home. But I'll never forget our version.

It's been 7 hours and 15 days
Since you took your dick away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your dick away
Since you've been gone I can fuck whoever I want
I can sleep with whomever I choose
I can eat my dick in a fancy restaurant
But nothing, no nothing can take away these blues
Cause no dick compares
No dick compares
To yours

It's been so lonely without your dick
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby, where did I go wrong
I can put my lips around every dick I see
But they only remind me of yours
I went to the doctor and guess what he told me guess what he told me
He said girl you better stop having fun no matter what you do
But he's a dick
Cause no dick compares, no dick compares to yours

All the flowers that you planted mama
In the backyard
All died and went away (we faltered here, I must admit)
I know that living with you baby was always hard
So I'm willing to give it another try
Cause no dick compares, no dick compares, to yours.

Crass and salty, I know. We were pretty young. Once we were in said Jeep and bikini tops - white wine zinfandel (cringe) in the cup holders, singing and laughing. The hard top and soft top were back in a garage. All of a sudden Kallie screamed.

"What happened?"

"This guy in the car next to us, he's jacking off."

"No. Gross. He wishes."

"I'm serious. Look."

I really didn't want to see. I saw his face only, he was about thirty something and staring straight at us, I took her on faith. I slammed on the brakes, and he slowed down too. I gunned the engine - it was a four lane highway, and he sped up to catch us.

I looked at Kallie. "Hold on, I'm going to lose him."

I've gotten one speeding ticket in my life - I was very pregnant with C going 55 in a 35 down Evergreen, according to the cop. On my way to work at UAMS. But I've been lucky. I remember going on off campus lunch senior year down Napa Valley to Andy's in my Oldsmobile Toronado convertible multiple times topping 80. I watched my Dad in his Jaguar heading to Florida for vacation topping 110 when I held the lucky front seat in the rotation. Like father like daughter. Despite being stopped a couple of times, I always managed to talk my way out of a ticket. I can play vapid blonde to my advantage - used that many times in different situations. I can't deny there are perks to being blonde.

I pushed the limits of my Jeep and managed to escape that pervert. Kallie and I laughed and sang when we lost the creep.

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