Don't Google Eel Porn

Last night was my one night with the kids this week - I get them back Sunday night. So it wasn't a great night to receive the above admonition in an e-mail from a blogging friend that I hadn't heard from in six weeks. It wasn't really related to anything we were talking about, it was sort of out of the blue.

I shook it out of my head and dove into a make believe world of ogres and burglars (Ogre Burglars! Say that ten times fast) and magic powers. We were each allowed four, said Sicily. Hers were Freezing, Flying, See Through, and making herself Invisible. Wait, we could all make ourselves Invisible. I can't remember her fourth. Jack's included Lava and Bug Guts. He gave a fabulous performance of what would happen to an Ogre Burglar that happened to walk into the path of bug guts shooting out of his finger. Sicily approved of my powers - she tried to steal Spontaneous Combustion but ultimately decided she didn't want a power unless she could easily remember what it was called.

Bedtime took a little longer than usual, which is not so bothersome during the summer when you haven't put your kids to bed in a few nights. Jack was pretty riled up about the Ogre Burglars - despite the fact that we killed the very last one about a hundred times, he kept insisting there was another out there. Sicily announced to me during her one on one time that she wanted to be able to do the splits like her friends Charley and Haley, so I taught her some simple stretches to do every night and told her she would get there soon - limberness should be in her genes.

As I was kissing Jack good night, I was surprised to hear grunting and counting from Sicily's room. I asked her what the heck she was doing and she said "push-ups Mom! I saw them on TV! I did a hundred! I'm going to try to do more!" I told her that she had to do them quietly and get settled for bed, and decided not to go check her form - she couldn't be doing real push-ups if they were happening that quickly.

When I was settling into the computer and responding to e-mails and blog comments, Sicily came out again. "Mom, I did three hundred!" She was covered in a sheen of sweat so proper form or no, she was getting some exercise. I told her she needed to quit generating endorphins and get to sleep - Jack had been out for almost an hour. Then I started thinking about googling eel porn. Admonishments are reverse psychology invitations. I think she knew what she was doing when she said that. Evil friend (you know who you are).

I decided not to google it on my laptop - better to hit the viral PC desktop. I don't use the computer for porn imagery (which would be obvious to anyone who wanted to look at the history), and the last time I curiously googled a porn star who was dating someone I knew a few years back the PC died completely, which was lesson enough. I googled "eel porn" and this came up: "Japanese Anal Eel porn" with a link to a video. Oh my gosh. I just had to see what the heck that was. I couldn't help it. I shut the blinds in the computer room (what if someone saw me??) and clicked.

I started the three minute video, which involved two naked Japanese women, a funnel, and a bunch of baby eels. I was nauseated and horrified, but it was like a train wreck - I couldn't stop watching. I became fascinated that this behavior could turn anyone on. Then I started feeling sorry for the baby eels, and wondered if anyone called PETA when they watched this stuff. The images during the last few seconds have been haunting me all day. Complete lunacy.

Don't google eel porn. Really. Just don't.