Saturday, June 5, 2010

Could I Smack You On the Ass?

This blog is for all those happily (or not so) married female readers out there. To show you what you aren't missing.

When my friend Jessica e-mailed me a few weeks ago to invite me to see some guy called Todd Snyder play at the Rev Room with her brother and sister-in-law, I decided to try to do it, if it wasn't a kid weekend. So that's what I did last night. Met them around 8:30 or so, when they were finishing up Mexican food at The Rumba Room. We joked at how we wouldn't know anyone - her being from out of town and me not being much into the bar scene. The last time I was at the Rev Room was when I saw my brother's old band, Cooper's Orbit, win the Arkansas Times Battle of the Bands. That was over three years ago.

We were having fun, drinking wine and listening to the intro band - American Taxi. Suddenly a guy walked up to me, "Hey, Liz!" I turned around and recognized him from college - Skip. I gave him a hug and met his wife. My friend was at the bar getting a drink, so I sat down in an empty seat near a guy that was sitting with them. They guy introduced himself, and it turns out we were at Hendrix pursuing the same major - one that he now possesses a doctorate in. He acted like he remembered me, but despite trying to imagine him 30 pounds lighter and with hair, I couldn't place him. He was three years ahead of me. After we had established all that, and I noticed him checking out my ring-less left hand, he said something so crazy I was temporarily vaulted into an alternate reality.

"Before I realized I knew you, my friend and I were watching you. He isn't here now, but he told me that he would buy my drinks for the rest of the night if I went over and smacked you on the ass."

I didn't know what to say, so I laughed perfunctorily. Did he suppose I would be flattered by this statement, and not horribly offended? I was so thrown off I didn't know what to do. I certainly wasn't prepared for his next statement.

"So can I? Smack you on the ass?"

Seriously? He wanted a real response to this question? This guy who had a Ph.D.?

"Um, no."

"Why not?"

"I don't know you very well at all."

"Aw, come on, we've known each other since college. That's almost 20 years."

Still completely derailed, I tried to make this whole conversation seem normal.

"I'm happy to lie. I'll corroborate for you, and tell your friend you did it, so you can get free drinks all night."

I was actually trying to help this guy who had horribly offended me. I shook my head in disgust, got up and walked away, and avoided that corner of the bar for the rest of the night.

The music, with which I was unfamiliar, was actually pretty good. I learned something else, during the course of the evening. The change in men's fashions has thrown off my gay-dar. A group of guys started talking to my friend and I - they were obviously much younger - in their twenties. I looked at two of them - one had on an aqua v-neck and white jeans, and the other wore a tight plaid shirt and a hat that looked like he had stolen it from Oliver Twist. Certainly gay, so safe to converse with. My friend was responding to requests to take their pictures for them on the dance floor, and I just closed my eyes and got lost in my buzz from the music and the wine.

I noticed the way a couple of them were looking at my friend, she is achingly beautiful - and it wasn't jiving with my impression of their sexual tendencies. But I ignored it, until I felt arms around my waist - one of them had pulled me close to him. Definitely not gay. I quickly wiggled my way out of the embrace, turned around, looked up, and flashed a smile at Oliver Twist before I disappeared.

"Jessica, it's almost 1:30 a.m. Where is your brother?"

"I think he and his wife went back to the hotel."

Suddenly, I felt vulnerable. The lead act showed no signs of stopping.

"I'm tired. Ready to go?"

"Sure, but I'm hungry. Can we stop and get food?"

We headed to Fernau for the best late night bar food in town - hummus, fried pickles, and buttermilk battered chicken tenders. I won't even get into the guy that followed us to another table after he mangled conversation drunkenly and dumped ice water all over our laps. It was unbelievable. I was so impressed with Jessica - I thought she was the only person on the planet kinder that me. She turned to him and said, "Um, this is my good friend, and we want to talk. It is time for you to go now." Magically, with a flip of her wrist, he was gone.

So I was happy for my guy-less plans this evening to see Sex and The City 2 with Laurie and Padma - my new kid-less weekend crew - followed by a late (that's the best kind) dinner from 8:30 -10:00 at Cantina Laredo. The movie was predictable but fun and fashionable. I cried, during one part. I was embarrassed, and tried to apologize and explain to my friends over dinner.

"You know when Charlotte (I always identify with the horribly naive ones, but I'm getting more life experience every day and becoming less so) was opening up in front of Miranda, with much cajoling, about how hard it is to actually be a mom? How it sucks sometimes? I can totally empathize with trying to make everything look so perfect on the outside, when really you are drowning on the inside. Feeling so alone, and so guilty for struggling with something you have dreamed about your whole life. Having kids. Trying to be a happy family."

Padma seemed surprised, but I didn't fool Laurie. "I could tell you were crying, and I felt bad. I wanted to hug you, but decided to just ignore it because I thought drawing attention to it would make you uncomfortable."

Women are so intuitive. That's why I like hanging around them so much. Neither Padma nor Laurie have kids, but they get it.

Yes, my ass is smack-worthy. And although I still have an asshole magnet, my experiences in life have helped me to recognize it and create new, firewall boundaries. Need to work on the gay-dar - heterosexual guys in my old bar days wore jeans and black t-shirts - they didn't look like they had just walked off the set of Miami Vice or a gay version of a Dickens musical. I'm learning, though. And I'm certainly not in a rush. I'm still young.


Ginger said...

It's called "Metro" and I SOOOOOOO hate it! Blech! Straight guys who are into fashion, hair product, tanning, facials, manicures and white wine. I think they saw the way we flock to our gay friends and they're trying to get some of the action.

A doctorate in what??? I was thinking idiocy but if you majored in it, I know it must be something else =o). Obviously it wasn't in Sociology or Anthro or he would have known that line would never work!!! If it was Physics... well... that would be expected of them. He was probably hanging with my Geek Squad and watching too much German Porn back in college when he SHOULD have been focusing on the finer arts of Human mating rituals.

Ginger said...

PS, My reply to him would have been: "Only if you can do it REALLY well. If you disappoint me, I'll have to tie you up and humiliate you right here in front of everyone. Do you think you have what it takes? *look at his hands* Hmmm, I don't think you do."

Gizabeth Shyder said...

Psychology. Can you believe it? They are all freaking nuts-o.

I don't think I could handle a guy that wants to drink white wine and join me at the spa for a pedicure (I don't do manis - don't like to dig around in organs with polished nails - gloves or no). I'll save my girlfriends for that. And tight plaid shirt? Really? Jesus. It was dark, but think it had a frill. He was pretty cute, but his outfit made him look completely ridiculous.

That reply is awesome! Good for future experiences (Lord hope I don't need it). After you said that to the guy, you could just get up and sashay your smack-worthy ass back toward the band and let him burn in humiliation and inadequacy. Wish you lived closer - I need to bring you along the next time I go out.

rlbates said...

Depending on the rest of the crowd, I might have been polite and said not. If pushed I might have said, only if you want to get slapped. If pushed further, then I would have promised to use my knowledge of anatomy to truly hurt him.

Kyla said...

Yeah, it sounds like a jungle out there...complete with a whole lot of gorillas. ;) I'm sure there are good ones out in the mix, too, but they seem to be a lot harder to come across.

I still haven't seen SATC 2.

MomTFH said...

Ugh, seriously? Wow, what a violation of boundaries.

I think may have a tape of Todd Snyder's. Is he a singer / songwriter?

Gizabeth Shyder said...

Yeah, Ramona - I tend to not like to cause a scene. But if he persisted any more, I would have.

Kyla - my favorite quote I heard this weekend - It takes a mighty wonderful man to beat no man. I'm having a lot of fun with no man right now.

MomTFH - I think I have a tattoo on my forehead - been there since I was about 15 - invisible to me but seen by asshole men - that screams "Invade My Boundaries." I'm going to go to the invisible tattoo removal parlor this weekend. Yes, Snyder is a singer/songwriter.