Saturday, May 8, 2010

The Skunk Holocaust

Whew! I need a little break from the sun. Laying out in the backyard and reading The Complete Stories of J.G. Ballard (highly recommend).

El Rancho Mom and Dad-O has been converted into a bachelor pad (-O - hee hee) since mom's out of town for two weeks and my brother Matt just finished his first year of law school (Congrats!) and has come back to AR for R&R for a week. I headed over last night with pizza, garlic bread sticks, beer, and wine - dad got the Chinese food and more beer, and someone, I am guessing Matt, brought some whiskey. Lordy lord! When mom's away . . .

It was actually a rather tame evening, at least until I left at 9:30 or so. Three of Matt's buddies came over, we all made the food disappear quickly, and I settled onto a chair in the den with a glass of wine and listened to some wildly entertaining stories about wild animal eradication. My dad's was my favorite:

"When we moved out here, there was a skunk hole in the front yard, near the front door. I never saw them, but mom and I could smell 'em all the time. First I tried cayenne pepper around their holes, but that didn't bother 'em in the least bit. Next I tried to cover up their holes, but they just dug them out again."

Matt's friend Patton said, "They probably had an underground maze!"

Dad went on. "I tried to cover up the holes with those big concrete blocks, but they just dug around them and made new holes. So then I went to the hardware store, and I found this contraption/adaptor. One end had a narrow cone, that you hook a hose up to. The other end has this radiator clamp, that you hook to the exhaust pipe on your car. You put the hose end in the skunk hole, and run your car for about thirty minutes. I covered up the hole, and haven't seen 'em since."

Everyone started laughing. "Doc, you got all Hitler on those skunks! You did a skunk Holocaust!"***

Dad said, "Well, either one of two things happened. They dug a new hole and moved away, or . . ."

One of Matt's buddies finished the sentence "You buried 'em."

I decided if the story came up around Sicily, the former ending would have to be told, or Grandpa might fall off his pedestal.

I asked Matt today, when I went to mom and dad's to work on taxes and lawyer stuff, how late they stayed up.

"Oh, it really was a tame night. We fished off the dock and all went to bed around one. All my friends have jobs now, and I'm tired from finals."

I had girlfriend plans tonight, but everyone got sick or canceled - I decided that was serendipitous (not that I would wish illness on a friend). Dad and Matt want to go to Ferneau for dinner and I can't think of a better way to spend a Sat. night than listen to Chris Henry loop while eating amazing food. I ran this morning and had salad for lunch, so I'm ready to gorge. Maybe some of Matt's friends will come out and I can hear more about pest control. A fabulous topic.

Dad's still working on the barn swallows. That's a story for another day. He's already given me some hilarious blog fodder.

***I, my dad, my brother, nor any of my brother's friends in any way support anti-Semitism. I have lots of Orthodox Jewish relatives on Sicily and John's dad's side of the family, and would hate to offend them. In fact, if Hitler was here right now, I'd probably get all Hitler on him. A Hitler Holocaust. Hook up that exhaust pipe to his face and run the car for eternity. I need to stop now, having too much fun with this torture scenario.


rlbates said...

Happy Mother's Day to you. You're welcome to come shoot baskets with me (and Rusty) :)

Gizabeth Shyder said...

Can't think of a better way to spend Mother's Day. See you around 11:00!