"What is all this stuff you have written down. Pseudogout? Tumoral calcinosis? This is just gout."
I'm staring down the scope at the slide I am working up, but turn to look at him.
"Those were just ideas. Because, how can this be gout? It's so damn ugly."
"It's just gout."
"Are you sure? When I polarize it, it looks like crap. Like no gout I've ever seen. Like gout's red-headed stepchild."
"What do you mean?"
"I love gout. It's gorgeous. This is not like any gout I've ever seen."
"But it does polarize. There are crystals."
"Yes, few and far between. I'm a big fan of gout. I always take pictures."
"I'm not sure if I could find it on my phone. I only see it once every year or so. This gout is not picture worthy, if it is indeed gout. I'm not taking a picture of this. Gout usually takes my breath away. Not this one."
"Gout takes your breath away? That's crazy. Gout has never taken my breath away. Marie Osmond, in those weight commercials, she takes my breath away."
"Marie Osmond? And you watch TV that has commercials? Where does that still exist?"
"What, you only watch Netflix? And Marie Osmond has never looked better."
"Well, that and other TV with no commercials. I'll google her. She came to Baptist a few years ago, for Bolo Bash. Did you know that? Radiologist was bragging that she was at his house for a dinner. I didn't realize she was a thing. Wow, yes she's pretty hot, I'll give you that. But she can't hold a candle to a good gout."
"Just sign it out descriptively. Crystalline soft tissue deposits with giant cell reaction, favor gout; clinical correlation recommended."
"Sounds perfect. Thanks a bunch."
This is good gout. I cribbed it from the web.