Me: Call Dr. Woods.
Dr. Woods: Hello?
Me: I've got an interesting case. Guy stuck a candle up his ass. They had to convert to open. He had a colostomy.
Dr. Woods: That happened to me a few years ago! Did I tell you about it?
Dr. Woods: It was a teenager. They handled it under anal sedation. He came back, for the candle. It was huge! Three wicks.
Him: He said his mom wanted it. It was covered in feces. He was skulking around the gross room like the unabomber. Hoodie, bad affect, the works.
Me: Do you think he really wanted it for his mom?
Woods: Hell no. Who knows why he wanted it back. Cheeky lad, to get what burned him.