Thursday, March 11, 2010

D-Day

I filed for divorce today. I am saying this because it is going to hit the papers soon. I recently found out, from my husband, that some of his partners read my blog. I didn't know this - he must have told them about it when he started reading my blog last fall. I know I've got a lot of readers, but I can't tell who they are. Maybe I could if I knew how, but I don't.

My husband was the first person to know about this, from the beginning. I tentatively made my final decision last Sunday when I came back from Atlanta - I could see that this limbo I have created was hurting everyone - me, my husband, and my children, and it was better not to drag it out too much longer. I told him this, on the front porch.

So I want to lay down some ground rules, before the gossip mill starts grinding. There are a lot of drama kings and queens out there, and I will not be a party to it.

1. No mud slinging. If I wanted to sling mud, I would have done it a long time ago. I'm not really the type to sling mud anyway - I'm more the type to let it trickle and ooze down on my insides until it threatens to swallow me up like quicksand. This is the father of my children, and we have come a long way in the past year co-parenting as a team. I would like to continue to do that - even though I cannot control what he does or says. Having said that, I will fight fire with fire. But I will not cast the first stone. He knows that. Slinging mud will only hurt ourselves and our kids.

That is the only rule, I can't think of another one. I wanted to make that clear. I have worked and worked on this until I am blue in the face, and I am tired of working. I need a break. I can see that the break I have taken so far has been good for me - I see everything so much more clearly now (the veil has been lifted!). I'm more objective. I see possibility everywhere, instead of obstacles. I'm quicker at work. I'm better with my kids. I'm better in meetings - it is so much easier to voice my opinion without being afraid of the consequences. I'm happier - the people close to me are noticing. I recognize truth. And it hurts so bad and feels so damn good all at the same time. Weird.

Enough pain.

I'm back on this crappy PC tonight because I left my Best Buy guy high and dry on the front porch - He came to my house at 4:00 and I have been so busy I just forgot. I got a call from my daughter, who stayed home sick today (a rarity for her) after too much birthday partying, I guess.

"Mom, there is this guy in the front yard who has been trying to call you. He said he is here to fix your computer."

My stomach sank - I was in the middle of trying to finish up cases to head to Conway tomorrow and get to the house to pick up my daughter, then head to Layla's to get calzones for me and my parents. I saw a strange number on my iphone when I was in CT listening (and laughing) to lewd jokes told by the radiologists and looking at wet lung slides for diagnostic material, but I ignored it.

"Can you hand the phone to him, Sicily?"

I apologized profusely. He was very understanding. I asked if he was the guy I spoke to in the store last week, and he said no, he hadn't met me.

"This is not like me, to drop the ball like this. I've had one of those days - you know? The really bad kind that only happens once a year or so (in my head I was thinking once a lifetime, I hope)."

"No problem. I understand. Just call our 1-800 number to set up another appointment. Maybe on a weekend, if that is easier for you."

"I'll do that. I am ready to cancel Verizon Wireless internet service before my 30 day free trial is up. I hate it - it is really slow and frustrating. Thanks again for coming out and I am sorry for your trouble."

I want to start singing again someday - the emotional release I got from those two band re-HEAR-sals was so wonderful, and I miss it a lot. Next time I want a microphone. I was just singing to a guitar and believe me, I can compete pretty well with a guitar, but it is exhausting after a couple of hours, and not good for range. I hear from my brother that there are tricks to a microphone, especially with the letter "P." I am sure I will screw it all up in the beginning. But that's OK. I've got time to learn.

I am ready for a new beginning.