Friday, August 28, 2009

The Hairy Vibrator

My mom said I should be on a commercial, so here goes . . .

A couple of months ago I got a bulky manila envelope in my work mail slot.  I opened it and it was a plastic baggie full of high-end, prescription lotion samples.  No note.  I was really confused, but had a lot of work to do, so I stashed it on my desk and kept going.  As I was working on my cases, I realized it must be from Dr. Styles - a courier runs between the University hospital and my hospital.  I called her later that afternoon to confirm, and she said "Yeah, I got a bunch from a trip to the dermatologist, and knew you might like to try those.  Sorry I didn't leave a note, I was really busy.  But I've been meaning to tell you about this product, the Clarisonic Pro.  You use it on your face, you can even use it in the shower.  It is amazing, but costs a lot.  Get it for your birthday."

I was curious, so I googled it.  It was around a hundred dollars, not cheap, but not over the top either.  I filed it away, and last week, when Ike asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said, "The Clarisonic Pro.  You can get it at Sephora.  Don't worry, I can get it myself."  He said, "No, I am off this week, I'll get it for you."

So on my birthday I got a giant box in a red velvet drawstring bag.  I was excited to open it, then immediately intimidated, as I get with all things technical.  There were a lot of words on the box.  There were multiple parts.  I might have to read directions to figure it out.  It reminded me of the time when I got my breast pump, and it sat in the corner of the den for a month, staring at me with evil mechanical eyes, daring me to try to figure it out.  Until my nursing mentor, Dr. Mel, finally came over and showed me how to use it.  "Betty.  It's easy.  Clean this part daily.  This tube goes here.  Screw the cap on like this.  Charge like this.  I think you can figure the rest out."  I felt like someone had just clipped a chain on my foot and released me from the giant rock that was dragging me to the bottom of the ocean.  

So when I met Dr. Styles for my birthday brunch at Vieux Carre (Ted Ludwig was playing!  He talked to me!) she said, "So, did you get the Clarisonic Pro?  Do you love it?"  I had to confess - I do not have a good poker face - I tend to play jokes on people at work over the phone, so they can't see me grinning.  "Well, I got it, but I didn't use it yet - you know, it's technical.  I haven't opened it to figure it out."  She gave me an exasperated, pitiful look that reminded me of the time I missed venous outflow obstruction in the Liver Unknown conference.  I should have known better.  I was a fellow.  I wasn't sleeping much - John kept me up all night for about 8 months.  Sorry, Dr. Styles.

Anyway, she said, "Betty.  It's just like the Sonicare toothbrush.  Open it.  Push the button.  It has a two minute timer.  Charge it when you aren't using it."  I assured her I would.  So that night, I decided I would try it in the tub.  I don't take baths often, but the idea of trying new technology in the morning rush of the shower was too much, so I had the perfect excuse for a relaxing bath.  I even lit the candle Dr. Styles gave me for my birthday at brunch.  I pulled the Clarisonic Pro out of the box and climbed in the tub.  There were three vials of potions that accompanied the tool, so I read the instructions.  One bottle said, "Do not use on your face."  What??  I could use this on places other than my face?  I filed that information, and found the face lotion.  It smelled amazing as I applied it, and when I was all soaped up, I pushed the button on the Clarisonic Pro.  It immediately started vibrating, and I giggled out loud.  Tub, candle - I felt like I was wielding a hairy vibrator.  It felt really good (on my face, of course) and I was AMAZED that although I had already washed my face, there was a light gray/brown sheen on the circular brush.  It cleaned out my pores!!  When I got out of the tub I had another surprise when using my nightly toner and lotion - my face felt as smooth as John and Sicily's baby butts.

Now I use it twice daily.  And talk about it all the time, I think my partners are gonna kill me.  But I convinced one of them to buy it yesterday at lunch.  

I think I'm going to use that body polish to attack the rough spots on the back of my arms, and see what happens.

End of commercial.  Unpaid, of course.

3 comments:

christie said...

I'm too thrifty (read, cheap) for your hairy vibrator. However, I've been really happy with my $20 Olay Micro Dermabrasion. My skin feels great after using it, but I still look haggish. "Feel Like a Butt, Look like a Hag. Olay!" Any wonder my career in advertising was so short-lived?

Gizabeth Shyder said...

I am wondering if my hairy vibrator was a little to vigorous on my pores and created a too-exposed state for the butterfly rash to occur. I have backed off to once a day, and am continuing to monitor.

You do NOT look haggish! You look fabulous. Just think, when you start sleeping a full night again you can go back into advertising.

Anonymous said...

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